


Love and Pride

by GamblingDementor



Category: In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Bisexual Character of Color, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 20:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7478994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GamblingDementor/pseuds/GamblingDementor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vanessa is fourteen the first time she kisses a girl and realizes she's bisexual. They say coming out to yourself is the hardest part, but coming out is not an action, it's a state of mind.</p><p>The story of how Vanessa came out to all the people she loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To herself

Of all the girls in eighth grade, Jen is the one Vanessa prefers. Not for real, of course, because for real, Nina is her favorite and they've promised that they'd stay friends forever, and they're like sisters and she'll always be Vanessa's favorite. But Jen has the nicest house and a TV in her room that her parents let her watch whenever she wants, so she's the one Vanessa prefers because it means she gets invited to the best sleepovers.

 

Vanessa checks the time on Jen's DVD player (she even owns one for herself). It's past midnight, she realizes with joy. Her parents never let her stay up this late, except on holidays, and this is just a regular Saturday night. She glances down at Nina who is buried under a pile of blankets on the floor − she has fallen asleep, a lock of hair in her mouth that she's chewing on with every breath. Next to her, Dana is also starting to doze, her head falling every so often before she straightens back up. But next to Vanessa on the bed, Jen is awake as ever.

 

"We should do something fun," she whispers to Vanessa.

 

On the floor, Dana finally loses her fight against slumber and slides next to Nina bonelessly. The clock of the DVD player says 00:37, then says nothing at all when Jen shuts it down. They switched off the lights before they started marathoning Friends episodes and Vanessa can't see shit without the bright screen.

 

"Sure," she replies, getting comfortable on the (king-sized, comfortable) bed. "Watcha wanna do?"

 

Jen glances over at the girls sleeping, lingers on them as if she was afraid they'd wake up any second. Then, when she seems satisfied with their state, she turns to Vanessa and suddenly she looks all fidgety and nervous, her hands twisting on her lap.

 

"I have this idea, but you have to promise to keep a secret, alright? Swear it."

 

"Erm, sure, yeah."

 

"Say you promise, Vanessa!"

 

"Okay, okay, I promise."

 

Jen breathes out shortly. She's not meeting Vanessa's eyes, but she nods, more to herself than to her.

 

"Okay, close your eyes."

 

Vanessa frowns in confusion, but closes her eyes. This isn't anything like any sleepover activity she's ever…

 

  
_Oh_.

 

Jen's lips are on hers, no other part of them touching, quietly sitting as far apart as possible for two people kissing. It's nothing more than a peck, really, but as Jen pulls away, her fingers touching her lips incredulously, Vanessa knows it's so much more than that. If she avoided her gaze before, now Jen is staring at her expectantly, wide-eyed in the dark room. Vanessa does the most logical thing she can. She kisses Jen again and makes it nice and slow this time.

 

Jen might not know it because no one kissed her before, but Vanessa has made out with four boys before and she knows how kissing is done, thank you very much. When their tongues touch, Jen lets out some sort of moan and Vanessa finds that she really likes that, and she likes how Jen's waist feels under her hands, and she also loves it when Jen touches her hair, and overall, this is feeling very very nice and she tells herself that Jen was right, this _is_ fun. Just as fun as kissing the boys. _We should do this again_ , Vanessa thinks, and tells herself that Jen must agree with her with all the energy she's pouring into this kiss. She's not that good at kissing, Vanessa judges, but she shows her how it's done and makes it good for the both of them.

 

Then Dana turns around on the sleeping mat on the floor, and Vanessa can see that she's still asleep but it was enough for Jen to scoot back like she's been burnt. She grumbles a rough "G'night", turns her back to Vanessa and pretends she's asleep.

 

Vanessa sits there lost, unsure what just happened. Slowly, she slides under the cover, careful not to get too close to Jen, and her dreams are filled with girls just out of her reach.

 

Things are awkward the next morning. Nina doesn't notice, thank God, because she doesn't sleep over here (or anywhere, Nina is always busy) as often as Vanessa and probably assumes that Jen is grumpy in the morning. Vanessa knows better, but _she_ is grumpy in the morning so she has an excuse not to talk.

 

Things stay awkward at school the next day, and the next, and the next, and Nina does notice after a while, but Vanessa tells her it's nothing and Nina knows when not to push, even though Vanessa knows she doesn't believe her for one minute. They're not best friends for no reason. Still, it's obvious that Jen is avoiding her and Vanessa has to be honest about it and admit that she is still taking in what happened and doesn't mind the space. She's thinking about it over and over again, even during that one break when Todd offers to make out and she says yes, and usually she really likes this, especially when he tries to be subtle and pretends he is _not_ touching her boobs, but this time, she can't focus at all and her heart just isn't as into it as it usually is. She tries to imagine she's kissing a girl instead but it's really not the same.

 

It takes a total of six days of her being so nervous she might as well be Nina, who is always so stressed out, before the situation unlocks itself, though not exactly like Vanessa expected.

 

She's eating lunch with Nina, who ate fast and is now studying the French vocab for the next two months, when Jen appears next to them, looking all stern.

 

"Can we… erm… Can we talk?"

 

Nina's eyes go from Vanessa to Jen, from Jen to Vanessa, and at once she packs up her things and trots away, most likely to the library.

 

"See you later!" She calls out to Vanessa on her way out. _Traitor_.

 

Vanessa sighs.

 

"Let's talk then."

 

Jen sits down and stares at the table between them. Vanessa can hear her foot tapping against the floor like she's fucking tap dancing and she wants to kick her leg for her to stop, but she senses it might be a bad move so instead, she sits perfectly still and grinds her teeth. When Jen speaks, her words sound almost forced and her gaze is resolutely anywhere but on Vanessa.

 

"I don't care that you're a dyke but you can't come at my house anymore."

 

The ball that had been heavy on Vanessa's stomach comes all the way up at once and now her head feels too full, too hot. Anger is at her lips before she can stop it.

 

"What the fuck?!"

 

Jen swallows and still won't meet her eyes, the fucking coward.

 

"I mean, you can be a lesbian if you want but I didn't appreciate you coming onto me and I don't want to risk that again."

 

"What the… You started it! And I'm not a lesbian!"

 

Vanessa is doing her best to keep her voice down but this is the loudest she's ever whispered and Jen looks around to make sure no one heard. _Of course she does_. No matter, Vanessa has been thinking about this too much and too often this week to not have reached a conclusion. She is not a lesbian, because she likes boys, and lesbians don't like boys. It doesn't mean she can't like girls, though. She likes _piraguas_ and slushies. She can like boys and girls. But she's also reached the conclusion just now that she won't let Jen make her feel like she's done something wrong, because _she hasn't_ , and Vanessa hates it when people are being irrational and accusing others of stuff that they haven't done.

 

"I don't want to fight," Jen adds and suddenly Vanessa realizes that her voice is wavering, like she's about to break into tears, that this is why her voice sounded forced − she was holding back. "I don't… I can't…"

 

There is so much hurt in these words that even Vanessa can't stay upset, not when things start to make sense under a different light.

 

"Hey," Vanessa says, too loud, then quieter. "Hey. It's fine."

 

She wants to take Jen's hand and still it, but she knows deep down that it would be a bad move.

 

"My parents don't want a queer at home, you understand?" Jen says and finally, _finally_ she meets Vanessa's eyes, and hers are so round and honest and pained that it takes Vanessa right in the guts. "You have to understand, you can't come home ever again, my parents… They wouldn't…"

 

There's a tear about to roll down her cheeks, but she rubs her eyes before it can, and her eyes are steel again.

 

"I hope you understand," she says, emotionless, and stands up. "Have a nice day."

 

And she leaves Vanessa to process it all.

 

When Mr. Rosario drives her and Nina home together later that day, as he always does, Nina doesn't ask anything, not in front of her dad, not even when it's just the two of them in her room for an impromptu Friday night sleepover, but as Vanessa lays motionless staring at the ceiling from the sleeping mat Nina always keeps for her just in case, she feels Nina's hand tugging at hers and she lets herself be pulled from the floor to the bed and when Nina hugs her and rubs her back, Vanessa knows that she understands perfectly.


	2. To Nina

 

Vanessa likes to think that she knows Nina pretty well after fourteen years of being best friends (their parents like to joke that they were sisters who found each other at birth, that they sought for each other even on play mats as babies). When Nina is keeping something to herself, there is no hiding it from Vanessa. Not for long. But knowing how Nina functions so well, Vanessa also just knows that Nina will broach the subject on her own at some point, trying to be subtle and miserably failing.

 

They're hanging out in Vanessa's room, not really interacting but not wanting to go their separate ways yet for the night. Vanessa is texting and for a while now, Nina has been admiring her nails that she just had done at Daniela's, too ostensibly and for too much time for it to be for no reason. Vanessa will never understand why she goes there so often. Daniela may be nice, but she talks too much and besides, it's not like Vanessa can't do her own damn nails. She doesn't need a professional for that. But Nina loves Daniela and she loves chatting and she goes there every week − says it's a habit that's formed after years and years of Thursday afternoons at the salon and she sees no reason to stop.

 

"I love going to Daniela's so much," she finally says, grinning.

 

All this waiting for _this_. Stating the obvious. Vanessa is disappointed.

 

"You hear all sorts of things…" She goes on.

 

Vanessa knows that Nina loves gossip. She may not spread it herself (perfect, angelic Nina would _never_ partake in that in a million years - except with Vanessa but Vanessa doesn't count) but she'll be so very sad if she doesn't get her fill of news from all over the block at least every week at Daniela's and preferably every day at Usnavi's as well. There is only one way this is going and Vanessa might as well rip that band-aid right off.

 

"What'd you hear?"

 

Vanessa's phone buzzes with another text from Ana.

 

_wanna watch a movie tonight?_

 

She shoots back a text immediately ( _only if you have popcorn and cute pjs)_ smiling on the inside, and realizes that Nina still hasn't started pouring all the hottest gossip on her yet. She looks up to Nina's eyes fixated on hers, her face too neutral and innocent not to raise suspicions. The little minx wants Vanessa's full attention so she can work her magic and decrypt her face as she does so well. So be it, she can try all she wants, but Vanessa isn't about to give her any reaction if she doesn't feel any − which is more than likely considering she is less than overenthusiastic about gossip in general.

 

"Did you know that Isabela and Juanita are dating?"

 

This wasn't the kind of gossip Vanessa expected and she's not quite sure what Nina expects her to say. She didn't know that, in fact, and why would she? It's not like there's a special alert that every girl who's ever kissed another girl receives whenever two of them get paired up.

 

"So?"

 

Nina's face falls. _Wrong reaction_.

 

"What, " _So?_ " ? Do you have nothing to say about that at all?"

 

"Why would I?" Vanessa frowns.

 

Isabela and Juanita are both several years older than Vanessa, even older than Usnavi, and therefore she is not interested in either of them, so the whole thing leaves her fairly indifferent. Why would Nina expect her to feel anything? She doesn't get why she'd deserve all that staring and fussing.

 

"I just thought…" Nina sighs, frustrated. "I thought you might have something to say about two girls, you know… About two girls like that. _You know?_ "

 

"Why would…" Then it all clicks. "Shit, you're asking me to come out, aren't you?"

 

" _Yes!_ "

 

Somehow, months after the whole Jen debacle, it has eluded Vanessa's mind that she hasn't actually talked to Nina about it. She's always just assumed that it was obvious enough not to bother mentioning it, but she is now realizing that there was never any verbal confirmation from her that this wasn't just any random fight she had with Jen.

 

"I like girls," Vanessa says plainly, because she sees no reason to make this any more complicated than it needs to be. "Happy?"

 

" _Yes_!" Nina repeats, beaming, and rushes to hug her. Vanessa pats her back as gently as she can, not really sure if this info was deserving of a hug, but she'll be damned if she ever says no to a Nina Rosario hug of death by asphyxia.

 

"I thought you knew."

 

"I did," Nina whispers into her hair, "I just wanted you to tell me."

 

In truth, Vanessa shouldn't be surprised: if there's one thing Nina loves, it's being right. Maybe this was like a test for Nina and she just found out she got an A. Vanessa doesn't mind.

 

"So you're what, bisexual, right?"

 

Vanessa thinks about it. She hasn't really applied any label to herself so far, mostly because she hasn't needed to. Jen hasn't been talking to her ever since it happened (she wishes they could still be friends, but then maybe Jen wanted either the whole package or nothing at all). She's made out with a few guys in between (and enjoyed it, as always), so she's already ruled out the option that she's a lesbian. Ana and her have been starting to get close the past few weeks and she's been enjoying that as well. They've kissed three times so far, and each time, it was so thrilling that Vanessa spent all night gazing at her ceiling thinking about it. Just like back when she had a big crush on Andy and he finally kissed her for the first time in sixth grade. This is just the same. Boys and girls.

 

"Yes," she answers, because evidently she is, and that's the end of that.


	3. To Abuela Claudia

Since when they were little, Vanessa and Nina have been spending every Monday afternoon together at Abuela Claudia's. They used to do their homework (Nina would never let her copy, but she always explained the rules better than the teachers), then play together on Abuela's stoop until their parents came to pick them up. The other days of the week, Vanessa would go over to spend time with her own Abuela or straight home, while Nina went to Claudia again, sometimes with the boys. Nowadays Nina's too old to need supervision for her homework and Vanessa works, but the habit has stayed and they always come and spend time with Abuela Claudia on Mondays.

 

When Vanessa lets herself in that Monday and greets Abuela Claudia just on her own, she doesn't miss the split second where Claudia's face falls ever so slightly, but by now Vanessa has learned to ignore that Nina is everyone's favorite. Hell, she's Vanessa's favorite too.

 

" _Que Dios te bendiga_ ," Claudia exclaims and pulls Vanessa into a crushing hug, the kind that warms the heart and the soul at the same time. "I swear you get taller every time I see you."

 

"Must be from standing up all the time at work," Vanessa jokes.

 

Claudia's face turns serious, compassionate, her hand on Vanessa's cheek.

 

"Yes," she says, "You're such a brave girl. At your age…"

 

And there's another look Vanessa isn't fond of, the one that borders on pity. Poor Vanessa who dropped out of high school to support her drunk mother. Poor Vanessa who lost her dad and got kicked out of the nice apartment she grew up in. Poor Vanessa who barely makes ends meet. How about kickass Vanessa who manages it all?

 

"Nina's sick," she changes the subject. "Got dizzy after class, she went home and texted me. It's just me today."

 

" _Alabanza_ to you," Claudia says, her arms to the sky. "It's nice to spend some time with just my little muffin."

 

They sit down, Claudia taking out a plate of warm cookies and pouring Vanessa a cup of _café con leche_. After a day's work, this feels amazing. Even now that she works full time, Vanessa likes to allow herself moments like these where she lets herself be taken care of.

 

"So, tell me everything," Claudia says as she sips her coffee. "What's work like?"

 

  
_Exhausting_ , Vanessa thinks. Physically and mentally. There's a reason she didn't work before when she didn't have to. It's boring as fuck. She's still getting used to Daniela being so overwhelmingly in your face and Carla pushing her kindness on her.

 

"Work's fine," she replies. "Especially when my shift's over."

 

Claudia takes her hand softly.

 

" _Mija_ , do you find time for yourself? I hope you still see your friends."

 

"I literally just told you about Nina, Abuela."

 

"Don't tell me you have just the one friend. How about a boyfriend? You're sixteen, you should have boyfriends."

 

Vanessa thinks of the guys she's seen these days. And the girls. She hates when people don't think of the girls. She would have no lack of boyfriends if she wanted to find one, but dating is not really in the top of her interests nowadays. When she sees people, though, it's never just guys. In fact, just recently, she's started having some excellent time with a certain Mona while her parents are out of town. They've been seeing a lot of each other the past month or so, though she wouldn't go as far as calling it _dating._ She's not sure Abuela would understand if she just told her she's currently in a friends with benefits arrangement, though. Abuela Claudia is looking at her kindly, her eyes soft and gentle, and Vanessa tells herself that she might as well be honest about one part of her life right now, so the assumption doesn't happen again.

 

"Actually, Abuela, I'm bisexual. I don't have a boyfriend right now, I have a girlfriend."

 

  
_Sort of a girlfriend_ , she thinks. _She won't know any better anyways_.

 

Abuela's eyes widen with surprise, but she hides it fast and keeps smiling.

 

"Do you, now? I didn't know you had, erm, what is it the younglings say again, lesbifriends?"

 

" _Oh my god._ No one is saying that!"

 

"They don't? Well, forgive me, I'm just an old lady."

 

She takes one of her cookies and doesn't add anything.

 

"You have nothing to say?" Vanessa frowns.

 

She hasn't come out to many people so far. Enough that some people whispered around her at school when she still used to go, not enough that it's heard about in the salon, which as far as she's concerned is how it should be. She doesn't want to be talked about, not for something that she considers unimportant to strangers around her. It's not like the _barrio_ is invited in her bed, so why should they know? But still, she personally chose to tell Abuela for a reason, to let her know something about her she doesn't tell everyone. A confidence. She deserves a reaction.

 

"Oh, my little muffin, I just want you to be happy. Are you?"

 

That melts Vanessa's heart a little. She's not sure if she would consider herself happy, not really. She's not as heartbroken as she was, it's true. The pain of the past has dulled with time and she has a new life now, filled with opportunities. One day she might even move out and make it on her own. But at the same time, she's not completely unaware of how uneventful her life is, how boring her daily happenings. She wouldn't say she's happy, rather that she's content. She goes through life one day to the next, keeps her hopes and dreams in her heart and prays for a better tomorrow than today. Who she sleeps with or sometimes dates is mostly irrelevant to the whole process, as far as she's concerned. She's not the romantic kind.

 

"I'm good," she tells Abuela.

 

Her life is fine, which is more than many people can say. She may be poor and constantly busy these days but she makes it through. The past couple months, that has involved spending nights in Mona's bed and getting rid of some tension with her, and in a couple months it might be someone else, it might be a guy. She's had her eye on Tomás for a while now. Who knows? 

 

At least now Abuela won't ask her if she has a boyfriend specifically.

 


	4. To Carla

The second Vanessa enters the salon that day, Carla eyes her like a frightened bunny instead of her usual warm hug. They're opening together on one of Daniela's all too rare days off. Vanessa takes out her phone and starts texting immediately, cashing in on all these unaccounted for social hours she's taking today. Cat's gone, mice dancing, all that. Carla is holding a broom but instead of getting to work, she's staring at Vanessa, mouth open, brows slightly furrowed, though more in confusion than anger.

 

"What?"

 

Carla straightens up, closes her mouth, and starts sweeping, as if Vanessa hadn't said anything.

 

"Yo, Carla."

 

"Mmh?" Carla feigns ignorance.

 

"What's it Daniela always says? If you have something to say, say it and don't stare at me like a fried cod."

 

Carla giggles, but turns serious again, like something is bothering her. Vanessa pats the seat beside her and she sits down. She looks down at her hands before turning to Vanessa, her eyes wide and genuine.

 

"Are you… erm… are you and Mona really good friends?"

 

  
_Oh. This is what it's about._ It's not all that surprising, considering she's just left Mona's home this morning after spending the night and Carla doesn't live too far from there. She knew she should have been more careful. Damn her for wanting a goodbye kiss. Thankfully it's just Carla, who wouldn't hurt a fly.

 

"Actually, we're dating."

 

She can safely use that word now − they've had the talk a couple weeks ago. Well, rather Mona did the talking and Vanessa nodded along. She's not the best at dealing with the mushy shit, the _feelings_. Feeling things might be nice, but acknowledging them is weird and labeling them is the worst. Mona was the one who brought them up and Vanessa just agreed that what they did was a bit more than just fuck buddies doing the do, so they settled on calling it dating and decided that it was okay to mention it to others if they wanted to. Mona told her parents and brothers, and a few of her close friends. Vanessa has told a grand total of two people, Nina and Abuela Claudia, but she hasn't been hiding it on purpose. She just doesn't consider it particularly worth mentioning to anyone else, unless they ask. Well, Carla got what she asked for.

 

"Alright," she says, looking more confused than ever, before rambling herself embarrassed.  "I didn't mean to pry, I swear, I just saw you two on the way to work and it looked like you were _kissing_ , and, erm…"

 

"And you didn't know I was bi?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"It's fine. Most people don't know."

 

Their first customer of the day walks in and Carla gets to work but throughout the haircut, Vanessa feels her staring still. She doesn't like that one bit. She's doesn't think she's asking for too much by not wanting to be made anything special for who she chooses to date. It doesn't make her special, not by any means. She's just another girl of the barrio trying to make a living and taking affection where she finds it.

 

"Do you, like… I mean, how does it work?" Carla asks the second they're on their own again during the day.

 

"Are you asking me how sex works?" Vanessa frowns. "Carla, you're seven years older than me."

 

Though to be honest, Carla seems like the kind of person who is interested in "purity" and wouldn't especially know about sex.

 

"No? Of course not! Just, erm… you know?"

 

"No, I don't know."

 

Carla's face is open and honest, as it always is, and Vanessa insists on telling herself she most likely means no harm. It's hard not to get unnerved.

 

"I mean, like, two girls dating? What's it like?"

 

"I dunno, we eat whatever her mom's left in the fridge, we watch movies, we talk, we make out?" They do a lot more than make out. "Dating things."

 

"Right."

 

That's only the first of a series of questions throughout the day. _Is it different than kissing a boy?_ (It depends on the girl and on the boy you're comparing her to) _Can you still get STDs?_ (Yes you can, have you not listened to sex ed?) _Are you in the closet?_ (Kind of, but mostly because I don't care enough to come out for no reason) _Do you love her?_ (That's personal, Carla, I don't know) _Does your mother know?_ (No, I haven't told her yet, I don't know if she's homophobic and it's not worth the risk to find out) Slowly but surely, Vanessa's patience gets tested and the next time Carla leans towards her and opens her mouth she cuts her.

 

"Look, can you stop with the questions?"

 

Carla looks at her with guilty eyes suddenly full of regret.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry, Van! I didn't mean to…"

 

"It's fine, just… Just let me breathe a little, alright?"

 

True to herself, Carla gives her space and doesn't mention it the rest of their shift. It's only a few more days before the next assault. Daniela is busy with the Rosarios in the front and Carla and Vanessa are cleaning up together in the back, sorting the bottles, waiting for the next customer, when Carla whispers.

 

"I talked to my pastor about _you-know-what_ ," she says like it's the best idea she's had in years.

 

"You _what_ now?"

 

"My pastor," she repeats. "You should come to church more often, Vanessa, have you forgotten what a pastor is?"

 

"Why the fuck did you talk to him about me?"

 

Carla looks startled, as if it was perfectly a-okay to talk about  private information with a total stranger to the person who confided said info to you.

 

"I wanted to pray for you to be happy, if you must know," Carla pouts. "My pastor told me Jesus loves you no matter what."

 

  
_Fuck do I do with that love_ , Vanessa thinks.

 

"I don't want you to talk to others about this," she says instead. "It's private."

 

"Oh, don't worry, I didn't say it was you."

 

"So what, did you just go to your pastor and ask for advice about a troubled soul?"

 

"Kinda?"

 

Technically, she's not wrong.

 

" _Can you not?_ "

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I feel like you're making this a bigger deal than it is. I don't want it to be a big deal."

 

This time Carla's face lights up with understanding.

 

"Oh! I'm sorry."

 

She pulls Vanessa into a hug − she always gives those quite liberally. She doesn't mention it again all week, and the next times, only to politely ask how Mona is doing (Fine, thanks) and when they eventually break up, Vanessa tells her about it only not to make it awkward. She just prefers that particular information about herself to be kept private and it's nice to have someone respect that choice. Still, one more person she's out to, one more person who sees the more authentic version of Vanessa, that's always good.


	5. To her mom

What's-her-name turns around and accidentally butts Vanessa in the face, waking her up. Her hair smells nice, her skin is soft and Vanessa would love to linger on that, maybe get another taste of last night, but then her one-night-stand gets up and starts dressing. Vanessa groans.

 

"Gotta go to work," So-and-so apologizes, pulling a shirt over her head.

 

Grouchy, still sleepy, Vanessa sits up and watches her find all the clothes they threw all over the room with no care in the world yesterday. She feels slightly less grumpy with that kind of sight this early in the morning.

 

"Here's my number," the girl says once she's all ready, handing Vanessa a post-it. "Use it if you want."

 

"I might," Vanessa says and gives her a smile that wills itself seductive but it's basically the crack of dawn so there's no telling if she can be sexy at this time of day, with her hair all messy and pillow marks on her cheek.

 

Nadia, as she reads on the post-it (with a heart instead of a dot on the "i", it's really cute), sends her a kiss through the air and leaves the apartment. Vanessa grabs her phone: not even seven on a Saturday. She negotiated a morning off with Daniela this week. She yawns and drops back to sleep.

 

Her mom is having breakfast when Vanessa wakes up. She looks like she showered and is on one of her good days. The bags under her eyes are less pronounced than usual and the kitchen looks freshly cleaned. She's been busy. For how long, Vanessa can't tell, or if it'll last, but it's a nice surprise to wake up to. She remembers the previous night, picking up Nadia at that club, and smiles. The weekend is kicking off alright.

 

"Sleep well?" Her mom asks, pushing cereals her way.

 

Vanessa nods. She's not much of a talker in the morning. Her mom pours her a cup of coffee − her coffee is always atrocious but Vanessa needs some pre-work caffeine to be able to function, good or not, and she can't wait to be out and by the bodega to get it.

 

"Kitten, are you a lesbian?" Her mom blurts out.

 

Vanessa almost spits her cereals out, instead swallows them wrong and coughs. Her mom is staring at her blankly as Vanessa is almost strangling herself.

 

"What the shit, mom? What brought this up?"

 

"I woke up early and I got face to face with, erm, Nadia, I believe her name was?"

 

Dang it. Vanessa should have known bringing her home was risky. Her mom usually doesn't wake up till the day is well up in the sky. She doesn't have much to say about it and she won't lie and pretend Nadia was a friend. Her mom may be a drunk, she may be unreliable and weak and many things, but she's not dumb and she knows her daughter at least to the most basic degree. She won't buy that Vanessa just happened to make a new friend overnight and let her sleep over. That's not how Vanessa works. The friends she makes and lets into her personal life are probably counted on the fingers on one hand. The buddies from the club don't count as friends and don't get to stay over.

 

"Well, I'm bi."

 

"Mmh."

 

Still no expression. Her mom takes another spoonful of her own bowl of cereals, drinks a sip of coffee.

 

"Since when?" She asks finally.

 

"I dunno, probably since forever."

 

"And you didn't want to tell me?"

 

Here we go, her mom being herself again.

 

"No, Mom, I didn't want to tell you because it's my life and I didn't know if you'd take it well, and to be honest I'm still not hundred percent clear on that," she says coldly.

 

"Oh, _mija_ , you know I'm not one of these homophobic people, please," her mom says with a smile that probably wants itself reassuring.

 

  
_Well fucking good for you._ Vanessa isn't sure why she's annoyed. Well, she never did like to be put under scrutiny like this, and she feels like her mother is making too many assumptions for her own sake. Assuming this is a thing that happens instead of a thing that you just are, assuming the world is clearly divided between homophobic and non-homophobic people, assuming only lesbians sleep with other women…

 

"Is she your girlfriend?"

 

"No, I just fucked her."

 

She's being like this on purpose, and she knows she shouldn't try to shock her mother, but if she doesn't test her limits, she might never know how honest her mom is being.

 

"Uh huh. So you did, then…"

 

"I'm fine with being like this, okay? I'm completely fine with it. You don't get to not be."

 

"It's…" Her mom hesitates and looks down. "It's just who you are, right? You're not doing this to rebel or because of your dad or…"

 

Is there a limit to how many times she can tell herself _"What the actual fuck?"_ in a single conversation?

 

" _Dios mío_ , yes it's just who I am. It's got nothing to do with any of that."

 

"Okay," she breathes deeply. "Okay. Then I'm fine with this as well. My daughter is bi."

 

"Great," Vanessa bites.

 

The rest of the breakfast is more than a little awkward. Vanessa finishes up her cereals and texts Nina to ask if she can hang out a bit before work − she really doesn't want to be spending too much time here for today. Nina sends _yes, but don't make any noise_ , but Vanessa has always been okay with simply being in the same room as Nina and each spending time as they individually like. She'll probably text or pick up a magazine.

 

Over time, it seems that her mother actually is fine with it, despite her lukewarm initial reaction. It's always like that, with her. You never know what she's going to do. She stops with the assumptions, just goes with what Vanessa told her. She never asks about just boys anymore, never asks about romance as if it was the only option, and Vanessa is all the happier for it. She never planned how she would come out to her mom, mostly because she wasn't entirely sure she would ever, but life made it happen and the outcome was fine.


	6. To Daniela

Vanessa is still trying to figure out if she likes Daniela. She's a hard worker and Vanessa admires that, but that also means she makes her employees work even harder. She pays them peanuts, but that's no different than anyone in any other job in the _barrio_. No poor boss can afford to pull their employees out of poverty. She talks a lot, which can get overwhelming very soon, even more when it's all gossip and who is banging who. Vanessa has been working here for almost three years now and she still doesn't know what she feels about Daniela. Or how Daniela feels about her.

 

"Vanessa, did you hear the news about Usnavi?" Daniela asks before Vanessa has even put her bag down and taken off her coat.

 

These days, everyone seems to think she cares about Usnavi and what he's doing with his life. She _doesn't_. She really doesn't. Honest. Usnavi is his own person, he makes great coffee and that's it, nothing to see here.

 

"What about him?"

 

"He broke up with Lucia."

 

  
_Good_ , Vanessa thinks. _She was probably an asshole and she was going to break his heart._ She never met the girl but she's convinced of that.

 

"Whatever."

 

Daniela gives her this knowing smirk that Vanessa hates.

 

"Oh, Dani, you forgot to tell her it's because he's dating Gabriela now," Carla says before Daniela shushes her.

 

Vanessa feels this odd sensation she's been feeling a lot these days when she thinks about Usnavi and girls. She's not sure what it is, why she can't stand hearing about his dating mishaps, but she simply _hates_ it. Daniela is whispering to Carla angrily about "finding out this way" and "going through stuff", but Vanessa chooses not to care and gets to work, ignoring them.

 

That night, she feels the need to do something reckless, to feel something that's not anger coiling inside her for no reason. The way she usually deals with that is either to spend time with Nina, or to go dancing. Swamped up in pre-college stress and hardcore studying, Nina did let her know last week that she was not available for anything beyond texting between 6 and 6:30 pm until further notice, which makes Vanessa head out to the club that night. The music always helps her clear her mind too.

 

She's having a blast, the beat strong inside her ears, inside her chest, dancing with whoever will take her. Her arms are suddenly holding another girl's waist and she lets it be, dancing along with who turns out to be an excellent partner. Her eyes are large and dark and cute, her hair frizzy and short, and she is frankly adorable and squishy. She looks nothing like Usnavi, though. _There you go again, what's with you?_ Vanessa admonishes herself. _Stop thinking about that guy, he's not even at the club. He never is._  


 

The cute girl whispers into Vanessa's ear a promise to get out of here, they slip out of the club into Vanessa's bed, and Vanessa doesn't think of anyone else all night when she's in these arms. The girl leaves in early morning with a kiss on Vanessa's cheek and leaves behind the smell of perfume and sweat and sex, and a phone number that Vanessa keeps just in case − she always does.

 

Daniela's knowing smirk isn't gone the next day.

 

"Tell me something I don't know," she demands from Vanessa. It's just the two of them in the salon. Vanessa thought she could avoid gossip when Carla isn't around to respond to it, but it seems luck isn't always on her side.

 

"I don't have anything, Daniela."

 

"Mmmh, I'm sure you do," Daniela says.

 

She's purposely avoiding looking at Vanessa, fake keeping herself busy, trying to lure Vanessa into confiding. Fine, let her have her secrets. Vanessa isn't playing into that game.

 

"How was your night?" Daniela insists when Vanessa keeps on sweeping with no further comment.

 

Vanessa perks up. _Nothing happened in public_ , she tells herself. _She wasn't at my place, she can't have known._ She wants to believe that, but she also knows that Daniela is very perceptive and smart as a whip, and suddenly she feels completely unready for this conversation.

 

"What do you know?" She sighs.

 

"I know you're picking up where Usnavi left off…"

 

Vanessa frowns, then realization comes.

 

"Lucia?!"

 

"Uh huh," Daniela smirks smugly.

 

" _Dios mío_ …"

 

"You must learn to tell me these things, Vanessa! I never even knew you liked girls. What am I, a chewed gum on your sole?"

 

There it is, the anger again. Vanessa isn't trying to be a grumpy person on purpose, but people around her are just too annoying sometimes.

 

"I don't _have_ to tell anyone. Only a few people know. Friends, and the girls, and Usnavi's ex now…"

 

" _Mira_ , at least it won't last with Gabriela," Daniela says as consolation. "Her brother is sick and she's leaving for Virginia next week, she just hasn't told him yet."

 

Vanessa feels sorry for him. She hopes he's going to get support for this, though she _knows_ he is. Abuela is all over her special boy, she'll probably make him some get better soup to get over two break-ups in a row. Vanessa might even muster up some words of comfort for him as well. Probably not. She's not that kindhearted.

 

Unlike what she fears, Daniela doesn't seem to spread the news around that Vanessa is bisexual, and for that, she is grateful. Once or twice, she thinks she sees her and Carla whispering about it behind held up hands, but it might be her imagination or plain old paranoia. In the end, it's just one extra person who knows, and doesn't care, and if Daniela knows and won’t tell, then maybe the whole world could know and Vanessa wouldn’t care.


	7. To Benny

The older she gets, the more Vanessa goes to the club. She used to spend a lot of her time hanging out with Nina but Nina is down in California making everyone proud, so Vanessa needs to find ways to keep herself busy and happy without her best friend. The clubs are perfect for that. Dancing is great. The guys and girls are great. By now she knows most of the girls who would be interested in a night with her − the barrio isn't that big and not that many girls are into other girls − but they're all pretty cute. She goes out several times a week, enjoys a good time, gets all sorts of attention but sore feet that ache the next day and that Daniela teases her about.

 

 

She's going alone most of the time. Even before, Nina would almost never go out with her. Carla and Daniela are always up for a night out, but Vanessa would much rather just greet them as she walks in, but then spend the night on her own with dance partners who she might go further than chatting with. She isn't really into dating these days, her heart just isn't into it. Dancing is enough. She suddenly thinks of Usnavi and wonders if she could get him to dance some day. She smiles, trying to picture it and coming up with nothing short of ridiculous.

 

 

"You come here often?" Benny asks and startles her as he sits down onto the stool beside her by the bar where she's sipping the cocktail she had a guy pay her earlier.

 

 

"Are you hitting on me right now?" She asks, frowning.

 

 

He laughs his too loud laughter that sometimes sounds like mockery to her and orders a drink.

 

 

"God, no, I don't think Usnavi would let me live it down. Well, he wouldn't say it outright, but I'm looking out for my buddies, you know?"

 

 

She almost spits down her own drink, or throws it at his smirking face. What is with _everyone_ talking to her about Usnavi? She's got enough troubles already keeping him off her mind, she doesn't need others bringing back that distraction. She has much better things to think about.

 

 

"Usnavi wouldn't mind if you hit on me, but _I_ do."

 

 

"Oh trust me, Usnavi would mind." He raises a shot to whatever it is he's praying for, and downs it with a grimace. "I was actually asking, do you come here often?"

 

 

  
_Pick your battles._ At least he's not like Daniela, constantly sending her to the bodega to fetch the littlest things every day. He's wrong, of course, there is nothing like that between Usnavi and her in any direction, but he doesn't mean harm.

 

 

"Yeah," she nods. "Just having some fun."

 

 

"Same as me!" He makes a cross sign to mark that as a promise. "I'm here to have some fun. No hitting. On you or anyone."

 

 

"Is there a lady you're staying faithful to or something?" She laughs.

 

 

He looks a little bit held back, like there is actually someone he's hiding, and Vanessa wonders if she should tell Nina about it (Nina's lowkey on Benny has been something they've both not explicitly mentioned for almost a year now − Nina swears she'll find time for romance after Stanford − but that's been a well known fact for a _long_ time), but decides against it. It would be needlessly cruel to say such a thing when Nina is out there busting her ass off. She doesn't need any negativity from home.

 

 

"God, don't make that face, I don't _care_."

 

 

He orders a second shot, then a drink. She's trying to keep to just her one cocktail − a cinnamargarita, which doesn't technically exist but she's been in this club enough times that the bartender knows what she means. A little bit of cinnamon makes everything better.

 

 

"I'm taking a break from that right now," he says and that's the end of that. "Man, there's tons of girls tonight though. Sorry for you."

 

 

"Nah, I'm here for the girls too," she says without thinking.

 

 

Too late, she realizes she's just come out to Benny without meaning to. She dares throw a glance his way. His mouth is gaping.

 

 

"Wow, that's kinda hot," he blurts out and she knows that part of that is the alcohol talking but it doesn't mean she isn't allowed to hate it.

 

 

"Next time a girl tells you she's bi and you're trying to react, maybe start with not that."

 

 

His face falls.

 

 

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to…"

 

 

" _It's fine_ ," she cuts him.

 

 

"No, I owe you! D'you want… Do you want me to wingman you?"

 

 

She tries to calculate the benefits she might get out of that and comes up with nothing, but she _really_ wants to see Benny try. So she nods and he starts going around the club, telling all the pretty girls who knows what but coming up empty-handed most of the time. She worries that he might out her to strangers ( _You're just now thinking of that, dumbass_ ) but no one is looking at her. Benny is still making his way around the room and she wonders if maybe he forgot about what he said.

 

 

"Hey baby," a guy sits down in the stool Benny left empty, giving Vanessa a promising smile.

 

 

"Hey yourself," she returns the smile, fixes her posture, makes her boobs stand out.

 

 

This is good, this is easy. The flirting part isn't her favorite but she's really good at it. The guy is almost cute, with short spiky hair and a goatee and he looks a little bit like… _No, don't go there_. She brings her best game into it and it's starting to work really well when Benny comes back.

 

 

"Got three girls' number for you! Two said they knew you, one didn't but she was really into you when I told her about you," He tells her, shoving a napkin on her lap, then notices the guy. "Oh, wait, you're busy? Sorry…"

 

 

"Girls' numbers, huh?" The guy says and there's something lustful in his eyes that she doesn't like. "Hot!"

 

 

"Okay, this was great," she lies and stands up, leaving them alone.

 

 

Once outside, she holds up the napkin Benny gave her and calls the number she doesn't know. And the girl is as much into her as Benny said.


	8. To Usnavi

To everyone's surprise, but actually just hers, she ends up dating Usnavi. She doesn't call it that at first. She doesn't call it _anything_ at first. They're just hanging out. Hanging out in restaurants, in clubs. He pays − he better, with 96 grands in his pockets. Hanging out at her new place gets interesting real quick. She teaches him a lot, but he's a fast learner. Feeling on top of the world gets a whole new meaning when he's looking up at her with his long eyelashes and his dark eyes hiding nothing. They click well.

 

 

They don't hang out at his place all that much. Getting interrupted is always a risk when he shares the place with a teenager and that gets old really fast. Her place it is. She starts to call it dating. She starts a lot of things. She learns to actually give a name to the feelings inside her, though certainly without his help and entirely with Nina's and in some measure Daniela's and Carla's. _A crush_. She had a crush on him before, they tell her. Now they're dating, they're being exclusive, he's her boyfriend, they might even, maybe, possibly, she hasn't decided yet, be in love. There is only so many feelings that can explain the way she misses him when they haven't caught up with each other in a few days, the way her heart skips a beat when she walks into the bodega and he grins like Christmas has come early, the way she wants to never leave her bed when he's in it, even more than usual, even throughout a whole day. He wakes up before her, he always does, and she's even lucky enough to get to become used to breakfast in bed from him. He cooks plantain like no one else, a memory of a time when someone taught him to cook properly. At night, they mostly eat out or bring back too much food to her place, now that there's money to afford it. She gets used to seeing a lot of him.

 

 

"I might be getting a new job," she tells him one night over take-outs from the little Vietnamese place down the street.

 

 

He struggles with the chopsticks and she pities him but she has a strict no cutlery policy with bobuns so her pity has its limits.

 

 

"Uh huh," he says as rice noodles fall off his chopsticks once more. He has barely eaten anything so far. She is enjoying it tremendously, both her own meal and his suffering. She's happy that she's letting herself enjoy this, enjoy watching him being cute and telling herself he's her own cute boyfriend.

 

 

"At that fashion house I told you about, they're hiring."

 

 

"That's great!" He gives up on trying to eat and just looks at her as if she was enough to keep him sated. Fine, she'll take pity on him just this once. She holds up some beef and noodles that he eats off her chopsticks, smiling with his cheeks full.

 

 

"In the women's underwear section but you know how it is, a job's a job…"

 

 

"Oh thank god," he admits and immediately covers his mouth in regret, but she's heard him.

 

 

"What's that?"

 

 

He starts playing around with his food again, still unable to grasp it, and pretends he hasn't heard her. He really is Sonny's cousin, the expert of ducking his head in the sand when he's upset.

 

 

" _Usnavi_."

 

 

There's a certain voice she uses that has a direct and radical effect on him. She likes that kind of power.

 

 

"This is embarrassing and I probably shouldn't even be thinking it," he says in his little boy kind of voice. That too, she likes.

 

 

"Tell me."

 

 

"I… erm, my body isn't all that sexy, you know?"

 

 

His body is _fine_ , really, it does what it's supposed to do and it's pretty to look at, especially those biceps that are actually well defined with all the lifting. Not all of his bragging is based on nothing. Bodega workers are more ripped than they let on.

 

 

"And what's that got to do with the job?"

 

 

"Ah, well… If you were in the men's section and just saw these pictures of hot dudes all day, maybe you'd realize you're with a scrawny loser like me and you'd tell yourself there's so much better out there…"

 

 

She'd expected this kind of talk from him so it doesn't surprise her, but there's so many things she hates about it that she can't help but scowl. She eats up what's left in her plastic container while gathering her thoughts. She feels Usnavi's eyes on her, heavy and expecting, but she can't deal with that if she's staring right at him just now.

 

 

"I'm with you, alright?" She says eventually and stands up to go fetch him a fork. "You asked me out, I said yes, we're together."

 

 

He gulps with difficulty. Instead of playing around with his chopsticks, he's playing with his fork, not even taking advantage of the one time she makes an exception to her rule. Ungrateful. _Daniela is rubbing off on me_ , she realizes, but that is a thought for another time.

 

 

"And even if I do work in the women's section, it's all the same."

 

 

"Well, if it's the women's section…"

 

 

"No, you don't get what I'm saying," she cuts him. "It's _the same_ for me."

 

 

He doesn't get it, until he does, his eyes wide with realization.

 

 

"You're…?"

 

 

"Bisexual, yeah."

 

 

"Wow."

 

 

He starts eating with his fork − the noodles are all slippery and he doesn't even get them properly twisted but she'll forgive him for that.

 

 

"You better be fine with it," she says, because she really likes him now and she's not ready to let him go.

 

 

"I am!" He says and holds up his hands like she's about to shoot him. A piece of beef flies across the room. "I am, I totally swear."

 

 

"So you don't mind that I might work with all sorts of pictures of hot ladies?" _He has no right to mind anyways_.

 

 

"I mean, you're not gonna… Are you? You won't…"

 

 

  
_This is the man I've chosen to be with_ .

 

 

"This changes nothing. You think I've never seen pictures of hot ladies before? Have you even _been_ inside Sonny's room?"

 

 

He snorts awkwardly, shifting on his seat.

 

 

"And, erm, _sexually_ ," he whispers, as if he was afraid that Abuela's ghost would jump on him for saying this, "We're fine, right? You don't feel the need to…"

 

 

They _are_ fine.

 

 

" _This changes nothing_. We've been dating for six months, I've known I was bi for six years."

 

 

The assumptions, they're always the worst part. Assuming she might cheat, assuming she might want more than what she has, assuming she's greedy. Assuming she was straight in the first place. She hates these even more when they're coming from the person she chooses to let into her life. At least Usnavi nods and seems to be accepting it better than most.

 

 

"Alright. _De acuerdo_."

 

 

"You won't freak out if I get to work with pictures of boobs all day long?"

 

 

Freaking out seems very high in his list of reactions right now but he feigns indifference better than she could.

 

 

"Of course not!" He says in a high-pitch frantic tone, which probably means _I'll freak out and go down on you twice as often as I usually do to prove I'm worth staying with, so get ready for that, baby girl_. That's how she chooses to interpret it, at least.

 

"Good. Now finish up, we're celebrating the job offer after dinner."

 

She has never seen him wolf down his food quite so fast.


	9. To Sonny

 

They say you can live wherever you want but you'll only ever have one home. First of all, that's a load of crap for so many people. Ask a bunch of immigrants and a large portion of them will swear they have two homes. But second, as much as Vanessa wishes it didn't have some truth to it, she can't deny the inevitable. She still finds herself going back to the barrio much more frequently than she'd originally thought she would when she visited her apartment for the first time last year and fell in love with the place. It sure doesn't help that her boyfriend is the soul and heart of the block. Every once in a while, when work gets really busy for him, she steps into the A train and rides it all the way up to Washington Heights.

 

 

Usually, even though they've been seeing each other for sixteen months now (Vanessa is _not_ counting, Usnavi just insists on celebrating every milestone), his face still lights up like the freaking president just walked into the bodega. _Usually_. It's the first thing that tips her off that something is odd today, when she walks into his little shop and he doesn't look at her like that.

 

 

She tells herself that it's probably just a sign that their honeymoon phase is over. It had to arrive at some point. But he's not looking at her with his normal non-puppy eyes either, rather he's not looking at her _at all._ Oblivious to the three clients lining up and to his own girlfriend, he seems lost in thoughts by the coffee machine.

 

 

"Vanessa, come on in," Benny shouts out even though the bodega isn't nearly big enough that this kind of volume is needed. He's just trying to get Usnavi out of whatever funk he's in today. "Great to see you."

 

 

He is wearing a Stanford University sweater, which Vanessa finds immensely endearing. Nina doesn't talk about him a lot, because her and Vanessa have so much to catch up on every time they call each other that they can't spend their time on a guy Vanessa sees more often than his own girlfriend, but Benny is constantly mentioning Nina. Since Usnavi is out of it, he is currently serving the clients and that's the second tip-off. Sonny should be doing this.

 

 

"Hey, baby," she says and walks behind the counter to kiss Usnavi's cheek, her arm snaking around his waist.

 

 

"Oh, Vanessa, hey," he says, only just noticing her presence and there they are, his eyes that sparkle when he catches hers. Good. She didn't really like that gone.

 

 

"What's up?"

 

 

He looks at her like he's having the idea of the century and drags her out across the street to his place. People spot that and holler at them, laughing and pointing as they always do, but Vanessa is out of the barrio now, so she doesn't care. He doesn't look like he has anything of _that_ sort in mind anyways, when he closes the door behind them, checks it's locked and that they're alone. He doesn't initiate as much as her anyways, and never when they're in the Heights − the ghost of Abuela or the risk of getting caught by Sonny, she can't say. She grabs herself a can of juice from his fridge and shoves one into his hands as well. He looks around one last time and puts the can down, instead gesturing for her to lean closer to listen to him.

 

 

"Sonny's gay," he whispers.

 

 

"Okay…"

 

 

He stares at her like he can't believe she wouldn't have any reaction to that information.

 

 

"You have nothing to say?!"

 

 

"I mean, how do you even know he's gay?"

 

 

"I, erm, I walked in? On him and _that little_ …" He clears his throat. "On him and Pete."

 

 

  
_Oh, that's just the best_ . Usnavi has warmed up to Pete, he's just had to with the beautiful grate Pete painted for him, but just a little bit and it doesn't mean he has to enjoy his company or enjoy interrupting his cousin and him doing… doing what exactly?

 

 

"Walked in on what?"

 

 

" _Carajo_ , they were just kissing, Sonny is a child!"

 

 

  
_Sonny is turning eighteen next Spring_ , she thinks.

 

 

"That's it?"

 

 

" _'That's it?'_ What is… It was enough!"

 

 

The key turns inside the lock from the outside and a frightened Sonny walks in, looking even smaller than usual. Vanessa wants to pinch his cheeks and hug him. He notices them and his eyes widen with surprise and apprehension, and for a while Usnavi and him just lock eyes silently. Then, slowly, Sonny tries to walk out timidly without acknowledging them verbally, but thankfully for either of them, Vanessa has an ounce of common sense.

 

 

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sonny, come here."

 

 

"Oh, hi Van," he says, feigning ignorance. "Whaddup?"

 

 

He sits down by the kitchen table and tries to look casual, taking Usnavi's can from his hands but not drinking one sip either.

 

 

"Sonny, is there anything you and Usnavi should be talking about?"

 

 

"Nope," they both say at the same time.

 

 

She sighs. She wishes there was alcohol in this stuff, it'd be easier on everyone.

 

 

"Look, Son, I'm bi."

 

 

He turns to her and stares astonished, like she's grown a second head that spoke German. She lives a little better with the knowledge that Usnavi didn't out her to anyone without her permission and it gives her more confidence already.

 

 

"And Usnavi's fine with it, right, baby?"

 

 

"I… yeah, of course, totally fine!"

 

 

"Same for you," she adds, taking Sonny's hand. "He's totally fine with it."

 

 

With all her force, she gives Usnavi a glare that says _You better be totally fine with it or I'm running away to found the Circle of Usnavi-Criticals en Nueva York_ , but nothing in his eyes betrays him. He is being sincere.

 

 

"Of course, Sonny," he says and pats his cousin's shoulder and _boy_ do they look awkward. "I was, erm, surprised, but I'm completely fine that you're gay."

 

 

Sonny opens his mouth but closes it and Vanessa is fairly sure she knows that look. She's had it enough herself.

 

 

"Are you gay?" She asks him.

 

 

"I'm bisexual," he says and isn't it adorable, the way he says it like it's something he's rehearsed and told himself and come to terms with. She feels on a memory lane back when she first used the word.

 

 

"See, Usnavi, what we talked about? Don't assume."

 

 

Sonny smiles, and that's the end of that. There's things that Usnavi just doesn't get like she does but if Sonny needs help, she'll be there.

 

 

In June, they walk together with Pete among the crowd of the New York Pride and as she enjoys herself in the burning sun, her cheeks painted with her pride flag and her heart swelling with confidence, she thinks back to the young Vanessa who kissed a girl for the first time. Her young self was already so brave. She wishes she could hug her and tell her that so many good things are going to come, and not every girl she kisses is going to dump her forever and feign disgust for the sake of her parents. She wishes she could tell her young self to be proud, because present day Vanessa sure as heck is proud for the both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


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